Never Enough
Have you ever gotten the idea that Christianity requires denying your deepest longings? Humans are driven by desire. This deep drive, far from being rooted in sinful selfishness, is God-given.
I have a big appetite. That point was driven home at a young age, when my parents let me stay with my Grammy Faye in Texas for a week. Back at home, our meals consisted largely of vegetables, legumes and fruit. Chicken was a once or twice a week treat. McDonald’s was, at most, something we enjoyed once a month. We were “health nuts” before it was a thing.
Grammy welcomed me into her warm embrace and commented, “I’m going to fatten you up! While you’re here, you can have WHATEVER you want to eat.”
For me, that meant Sonic hamburgers and fries every day. It meant trying homemade nachos for the first time. It meant sausage and eggs. For that week-long trip with Grammy, I was in heaven. While I got filled up, I never grew tired of big burgers, french fries and ice-cold Dr. Pepper.
During that time, I also spent my days beside the pool in Grammy’s apartment complex. My skin developed a deep, dark brown. My hair was bleached blonde. And I lost two-three teeth too!
So it’s no surprise that when I landed at the BWI airport and was escorted off the plane by a stewardess (that’s what they were called back then) to meet my dad, he didn’t recognize me at first. I ran up and gave him a big hug, then noticed the shock on his face. His skinny little boy had indeed been “fattened up.”
Over the years, my dad and I would joke about that experience. It gave a window into my wiring. Essentially, I had a bent towards “If one is good, then two is better, and three is even better than that.”
To be honest, it’s been a life-long struggle to come to terms with this aspect of my personality. I joke about it. I work hard to contain it. I sometimes give into it.
One day, the Lord reframed my whole approach to this aspect of my personality. He transformed it from a source of shame into a God-given gift. It happened while I was talking with Him about it one morning.
He essentially said, “Son, I made you this way. I gave you a BIG appetite. The issue isn’t that you want more. It’s where you go to find that desire satisfied. I want that physical hunger to be a clue to the deep spiritual longing for more. More of my presence. More of my power. More of my life in you. More of my love flowing through you. Seek more at the spiritual-level and you’ll find deep satisfaction without losing your appetite.”
And He’s proven this to be true.
Years before, as a young man, I had written a song about this longing for more. The song came at a time of struggle and darkness. It served as a confession of sorts, and concludes with the incredible grace the Lord shows whenever we come to Him.
I’ll share the lyrics with you to close out this article:
VERSE 1:
You ask me to abide, I don’t know what that means.
In this subterranean heart, I can’t see the thing.
You say You will renew, well I haven’t felt it yet.
These locks are on my irons, and they seem a perfect fit.
CHORUS:
And I’m the one, this exile self-imposed.
Is it my pride, or the fear of being known?
VERSE 2:
I used to be a child; I know it’s true but still,
That child’s a stranger now. I guess he got his fill.
But that’s not what I want, cause hunger is a friend
To those who know the Table and come again, again.
CHORUS:
And I’m the one, this exile self-imposed.
Is it my pride, or the fear of being known?
And I’m the one, who’s trusting his own hand
To sustain life.
Well my efforts don't come close.
Don’t come close.
VERSE 3:
My hands have been worn raw, picking up these stones.
Onto this hard, cold altar, I crawl now sick for home.
Your hammer I await, the crushing blow to kill.
But suddenly I’m soft, it’s Your blood that I feel.
Your blood that I feel.
That I feel.